No, I’m not ok.

I’m about to pour out my heart onto my keypad. Just a warning. It won’t be pretty.

I cannot put into words the hurt that my heart is feeling. I feel abandoned by God. I feel helpless. I feel so much anger because I feel helpless. Heart broken. Sad. Contrite. Despair. 

I’m a problem-solver. I’m a go-getter. I don’t like to just sit on my butt and wait for things to happen for me. But God has asked me to do just that. Sit on my butt. And wait. Somedays I wonder what the heck am I waiting for? I lose focus. I have to go back and read my journal to reaffirm that I heard God correctly. And you know what? I did. So now what?

Today I was angry with Him (don’t worry. He knows. We’re cool now). I couldn’t figure out how a Star-Breather couldn’t just fix things for me and my family. I mean, my 2 youngest are hurting through losing their sister, and lets face it, Bella’s dad sure isn’t making things any easier. Even though according to the judge he’s supposed to be. 

So why can’t God wave His sovereign hand and just fix this? That’s what I asked Him today. Actually it was more like an anguished, painful sob. Probably the way Hannah sounded when she was lamenting for a child. 

I have a point to this post, I promise.

The first one is that God wants you to be real in your prayer time. This is something my husband has taught me. God knows are hearts and can hear our thoughts, so why pretend everything is peachy, when in fact, we feel like we’re dying on the inside? There’s something about saying everything out loud. You may realize how ridiculous you sound for doubting the Star-Breather. I felt pretty stupid today. But I needed to hear it. God needed to hear it. And now that my heart has been (temporarily) cleared, we can move on to the next “thing” that God has for me. It’s all about the realization of who God really is in your life. Sometimes you need to throw a temper tantrum to get you refocused. 

Now my 2nd point. 

Whatever pain you’re going through, is going to birth something beautiful. I know it doesn’t look that way now. Trust me, I’m living it daily. I hurt every moment of every day that goes by. Literally. But just like David, I have to recall all the things God has already done for me. And that’s a long list. But it does something to my spirit when I do it. It revives me. Just like a defibrillator revives a heart-attack patient, it brings me back to life. It also gets me off my “why me” soapbox. Who cares “why me”?! It is what it is and I can sink and die or rise up and learn from it. You have the same choice. 

Which will you choose? 

4 thoughts on “No, I’m not ok.

  1. Wow, I’m so inspired by you Jess. You are brave and real and you will see victory in the end because your heart is not for yourself, it’s for Jesus. Heaven is on your side and I’m blessed to see how God works all the these things for YOUR good. What a mighty woman you are! Love you so much!! xoxo

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