What can I say. 2015 has been quite a year. It started off as one of the most beautiful times in my life. We welcomed our son , Elisha. We became involved in ministry at our church. Made some new friends. Lost some dear friends.
It’s funny how when bad things happen in your life, you find out who your true friends are. I never thought that my husband would spend the last 5 1/2 months in jail. When it happened, lots of people stepped up to help my family. For that, I am forever grateful. On the other side of the coin, the people that I thought would be there just disappeared. But God showed me that friends can be friends for just a season. No matter how meaningful or how long the friendship, sometimes it IS just a season. At first, I was so hurt. But God has done such a work in my heart and showed me that no matter what, He is here.
I had to start working right away. My body didn’t have time to heal after having a baby. But I didn’t have a choice. But HE is faithful. My children have not gone without due to generous love and gifts given by my friends and church family.
When he first got arrested, I felt like the floor had fallen out from underneath me. There were days that I couldn’t pick myself up off the floor. I had no idea what to do. I had been blessed to be a stay-at-home mom for years. My husband always provided a good life for us.But what we realized through conversation and revelation from God, is that we put each other first. Our children first. Our worries first. Not Him. We compromised in areas that we shouldn’t have. No matter how small these things seem to be, they’re not small to God. Our husbands have to put God first. Wives, put God above your husband and your children. Pray together daily. Teach them the word. When they are old, they will not depart from it. We got too busy with t-ball, dance work, etc. We weren’t making time for Him in a way that please Him.
So here we are now. Separated. Not doing God’s will. Well, my husband is. He’s lead over 25 men to the Lord while in jail. He has brought God’s light into a place where there was none. They have daily bible study. Prayers are being answered. Meanwhile, me, I’m out here. Struggling. Struggling to find peace. Struggling to find revelation. Struggling to be the head of the house, the dad, the mom, the provider. Everything. It’s not the natural order. It’s not what God intended it to be.
My challenge to you is this. If you find yourself compromising, even if it’s small, give it to God. He is a graceful and a merciful God that loves you very much.
I was mad at God for a long time. My feelings were hurt because my family had been ripped apart. My son had no one to play ball with him. Bella had no one to help her with her math homework. Paisley didn’t have her daddy to paint her nails and to play barbies with. I had no one to reassure me that everything was going to be ok and to hug me when I cried. To wipe my tears away from my face when I was sad.
I know it sounds like I’m putting him on a pedestal. I’m not. But when you’re married to your best friend and suddenly that person is ripped out of your life, things get hard. Really hard. He missed the birth of our last child and still has yet to hold him, kiss him or smell his sweet baby scent. As a woman married to a great father, these are things that break my heart on a daily basis. Hearing your children cry out every morning because they miss their daddy…what is a mom supposed to do? I cry out to God daily. Asking him to comfort my children. To help me understand their pain in a way that I can be a comfort to them as well.
The holidays were no better. I had to fight to get into the Christmas spirit. It’s usually my favorite time of year. I didn’t have it in me this year. But we made the best of what we could. Thank you to all of you that contributed to make Christmas so special for us. My prayer is that you will be blessed so much for obeying the urgency in your heart to bless us.
I’m going into 2016 with a different attitude. Total dependence on God Not being afraid to ask for help. Loving Him more than I have before. Trusting Him more than I have before.
I know this has been a sappy post, but I wanted to share what’s really been going on in my heart. I haven’t been able to bring myself to talk about it because it just hurt too much. Thank you for allowing me to pour my heart out and reading this. I appreciate all of you!
Jess the Haute Mess